The 5 Reasons Bernie Sanders Will Not (Nor Should) Win the Presidency

I think Bernie Sanders is the most exciting, passionate, and common sense candidate in the Democratic field. He has energized the liberal base, as well as the youth, with brash and brilliant ideas about how to make this country better. Even more amazing, he has managed to do this while sounding and looking like someone entirely exasperated with a governing structure that just doesn’t get how easy this all can be.

He also looks like he just came back from the future with news about how something needs to be done about our kids…

All that notwithstanding, the man cannot win the presidency. And even if he comes close, we should all be wary of that possibility, all because of…



5. Okay, this dude looks crazy

Sure, I get it: Looks aren’t everything. But that doesn’t mean you can jump into a campaign for the presidency of the United States of America looking like you were the last guy to straighten out Betty White’s scoliosis.

According to the Rules of the Internet, at least 10 percent of you just came.

If you don’t believe me, ask Nixon how important looks are in presidential elections. In the 1960 elections, Vice-President Nixon and young, political up-and-coming John F. Kennedy represented opposing parties and had the first televised presidential debate. The story goes that if you heard the debate on the radio, Nixon won, if you saw the debate on television, then Kennedy won.

The Kennedy-Nixon debates were historic in that they were the first presidential debates televised.

For reference, when George Washington was elected president, most American citizens had never actually seen him before. So Kennedy-Nixon was the first time the American populace got a good, collective gander at their candidates and boy was there sticker shock.

When it came to Nixon, it was as if the country had, all at once, awoken with Friday’s Felicia laying next to it. Never before had a candidate’s ugliness been a factor in the electorial process and Nixon was plenty ugly.

Now all that said, Bernie isn’t bad looking. In fact, when cleaned up, he looks rather stately. But when he’s not…oh boy, he looks like a madman. And although “madman” isn’t as bad as “ugly” and/or “sinister old man,” it can’t be good.

Speaking of which…

4. He’s old…like really old

Okay, let’s just address the elephant in the room: Bernie Sanders is old as all fuck.

Currently, dude is 74 years old. That means, if he actually gets elected, after one term he’ll be approximately 79 years old. Seventy-nine. That’s the age where you need an escort to the bathroom, one that doesn’t mind coming inside if needed.

For perspective, Ronald Reagan was 70 years old when he was elected, and by the time he was done, after his second term, he wasn’t the sharpest toenail on the baboon’s foot, if you know what I mean.

I bring up Reagan for one reason. When I bought this issue up among online friends, they were quick to remind me of the Gipper’s election, as if to point out that electing an older person isn’t impossible. Sure, it’s not impossible, but that doesn’t make it smart.

For one, Reagan — depending on who you ask — wasn’t that great of a president. To some, he ended the Cold War and brought America back to it’s position of global dominance, to others he’s a Saddam Hussein-like dictator who murdered his country’s own people for political reasons.

Sure he was folksy and charismatic.

But he was also woefully disconnected from the youth-centric problems of his day.

It was the Reagan administration that gave birth to, not only the failed trickle-down policies of Reaganomics, but also the War on Drugs — a war that has cost minorities and young people in general countless years of social progress. We are still fighting this war today, and the bodies of casualties line the streets of every major city in this country.

think about the War on Drugs and the “Just Say ‘No’ Movement” in that context.

Of course an old ass man came up with that. Telling a high school kid to just say “no” to weed is no different than telling said kid to just say “nah” to oral sex.

You got to be senile to think that’s a good idea.

Look, I get it, we want someone who’s wise, but c’mon, Sanders is archaic and that can have dangerous repercussions.

For one, if you thought the unveiling of the website was a pain in the ass, imagine if the ship driving it was being manned by the grandfather who doesn’t know how to use his iPhone camera.

3. Is he too rhetoric heavy?

Look all presidential candidates say things we want to hear. They’re politicians that’s what they do. But there’s a difference between campaigning and governing.

You can’t be a good president by simply pointing out very obvious social ills and saying: “That sucks!”

What are you going to do about it? Yes, the prison system in our country unfairly targets minorities, what policies can a sitting president enact that could affect local and state police departments and privately owned prisons? Better yet, how do you plan to force what has turned out to be an utterly useless Congress to go along with this?

What are your plans for foreign policy? Iran? North Korea? Is isolationism even realistic in a world being shrunk by technology day after day?

My fear with Sanders isn’t that he’s genuine in his intent, it’s that the job that he wants to do may be too big for, not only him, but any human being alive!

This guy really wants to clean up Washington, and although that’s what we all want, does anyone really know what that would entail?

Does anyone know how many people Sanders is going to need on his side to even come close to making that a reality?

Obama wanted to do the same thing, and even with a Democratic Congress and what appeared to be a public mandate, he had to scratch and claw for every minor victory he accomplished. What is someone as uncompromising as Bernie going to do?

What can he do if the machine is too big for him to attack.

2. He’s the liberal version of Donald Trump

These guys are bizarro versions of each other, down the line.

It’s comically perfect and precise, almost to the point of seeming intentional.

Where Sanders allows for black protesters to take over his stump speeches, Donald Trump wants to chop off the limbs of Mexican-Americans and make speeches about their stumps.

Where Sanders wants to hold Wall Street and the wealthy 1 percent accountable for their economy wrecking ambivalence, Trump wants to chew babies to death, ankles first.

Total opposites.

The dangerous side of this is when realizing that extremes rarely win elections, and when they do, they ultimately end up leading their countries into bad situations.


Look, Sanders calls himself a socialist openly. He wants to make state college free. He wants to break up large banks as well as the Fed. He wants to tax the ever-loving bajezuz out of wealthy Americans and give tax breaks to the middle class.

Hell, not only did he vote for the Affordable Care Act, but he thinks it didn’t go FAR ENOUGH! He would initiate a single-payer system.

Now I would love to see all of these things happen. But let’s be honest: They’d be expensive.

Insanely expensive.

Like Donald Trump levels of insanity!

We’re talking an estimated $18 trillion. That’s holy-shit-what-are-you-thinking money. That’s are-you-sure-you’re-actually-Jewish money!

Sanders is as extreme on the left as Trump is on the right. And although I’d love to see a Sanders presidency, extremes rarely, if ever, win.

(In Trump’s case, I’m hoping this is true.)

If we let this happen again, we’d deserve it…

1. Should we really want him to win?

Okay, here’s the million dollar question: Should we even want Sanders to win?

Look, I know what you’re thinking, in a race between him and Hillary Clinton, and definitely between Sanders and the Hair Fuhrer up there, Sanders is the obvious choice.

Unlike Clinton, he genuinely wants these social changes. He has fought for them his entire career. He doesn’t flip flop with the trends. He is possibly the last real chance for a social and political revolution in, not only this election, but surely countless elections to come.

And unlike Trump, he walks upright.

“So you’re telling me…people actually piss indoors?”

Still, let’s not pretend him getting elected would be anything short of miraculous. There’s a very good chance he may lose and if he does, all of his ideas and ambition will be written off as political folly and dismissed.

That’s why I think he shouldn’t even make it out of the primaries.

Look, if he makes it to the general elections and loses to someone like Jeb Bush or Trump, there will be a negative mandate attached to any idea or policy he would like to push.

That’s if he loses, what if he wins the presidency?

I think the outcome would be even worse.

As Obama recently acknowledged in a GQ interview, the presidency doesn’t hold that much power. You can have all the ideas in the world, but the machine will make you and your ideas look foolish as you futilely attempt to claw your way out of the belly of the beast.

Obama was the idealist that wanted to change the atmosphere of Washington. In less than two….hours, Washington, D.C., ate him alive.

Now every idea that he campaigned on, ideas that we all thought were genius at the time (universal healthcare, ending wars overseas, and energy independence) have all been transformed into pie-in-the sky attempts by a romantic, idealist dreamer.

Sure we all want Sanders’ ideas put into practice, but how long would it realistically take before the Republican fear-mongering machine turns the country against any idea Sanders brings to the table.

No, the better choice would be to have Sanders take an Al Gore role, or a role similar to former President Cater. These gentleman did more outside of office than I think they ever could as actual presidents.

Basically, I think the presidency would destroy Sanders.

All that being said.



Pleeeeease win Bernie!! Christ almighty I can’t have Trump or Hillary win, I’ll kill someone! He’s a nazi and she’s a damn iguana!

Oh and don’t get me started on fuckin’ Ben fuckin’ Carson fuckin’…FUCKIN’!




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